My Head's Gonna Explode (Part 1)

I anxiously await the day when science can clinically prove why my body handles major life stress with greater efficiency than say, the "small stuff." Maybe being from New York has something to do with it. The next time you're in the city, take your earphones out and pay attention to the conversations around you, especially if you find yourself waiting for the bus or train. I'm willing to bet most of what you'll hear is a marathon of bitching, because it's early and crowded and it smells and Monday sucks, amiright? 

The King of Complaints ;)

This trait may just be the reason why I'm such a Howard Stern fan: that guy rants 24 hours a day, and we get to listen to at least 4 of them. There will be a post about Howard in the near future, but suffice to say I relate to his petulant nature; his neuroticism makes me laugh because it's framed in a very relatable manner. There are many others suffering in the same group, the type who entertain us while driving themselves crazy: George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Janeane Garofalo, Bill Hicks, Paul Mooney, Adam Carolla, Sam Kinison, Roseanne, to name a few. They do this with polarizing results, often ending up in the "love 'em or hate 'em" bin, and people typically end up there when they're being authentic to themselves. So without further delay, here's a hodgepodge of my rants, love 'em or hate 'em.

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*PACKING TAPE — NO EXCUSE FOR THIS (ACTUAL) RIP-OFF*

Living in an apartment has its advantages, one of them being the plethora of cardboard boxes that clog up the alleyways. With just a little time and patience you can procure most of the boxes you need for a move, and so far I snagged over 50...but whatever you think you're saving will more than make up for itself in the form of packing materials. WHY THE HELL IS PACKING TAPE SO EXPENSIVE? All of the frustrations of budget tape, with the constant splitting and bunching up, still exist in the top shelf brands. Even worse is the bubble-wrap; you may as well take out a bank loan. Besides, most of this stuff is probably made overseas using slave labor, which is infuriating from both a humanitarian and a financial standpoint.

"Gee, Liz, you sound kind of crank-"

Of course I'm cranky! I'm PMS-ing, low on chocolate, and everything smells like cardboard box, along with oily plastic tape the state of California probably finds carcinogenic. Anyway, you can definitely save money by using Craig's List or Amazon...but therein lies the rub: if you show up at at Home Depot it's because you need packing tape ASAP and they know this. They got us by the styrofoam balls, folks.

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*ONE SIZE FITS NO ONE*

I'll be the first to admit that my head's too small for hats, which is a shame b/c it's a good way to hide a bad hair day, but can we all just admit that "one size fits all" doesn't apply to very many people? This is a time where it helps to be a bouncer or one of the guys from Screaming Trees, which leads me to an offshoot of this problem: rock band tees for women. Hard rock, punk, and heavy metal have considerable female fanbases, many of whom are musicians, but the fashion industry's acknowledgment of us is more in line with objectification. I can't tell you how many times I've ordered a human-sized women's T-shirt only to receive clothing fit for your average Build-a-Bear. Other times they change the color scheme while keeping the original design, like my Ride the Lightning shirt that's cheerleader-purple, as opposed to the original dark-blue stormy sky where lightning bolts are born

One size fits  this  dude ;)

One size fits this dude ;)

It sends a message that I only bought the shirt because my boyfriend thinks it's an adorable game of dress-up—and I say this because some insecure guys approach girls at shows and quiz us in order to vet our presence as audience members. In other words, they view your male date as the reason you're there in the first place, but if you dare attend a show single yet unavailable, these bro's can often antagonize you with pointless trivia questions: he may go home alone, but at least he can rest assured knowing he knew all the lyrics to his favorite deep track and that stupid girl who rejected him, didn't. 

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*GENERIC PAPER TOWELS—A LESSON IN MATH*

It's hard not to use paper towels, at least the good ones. It's probably best to wean our society off of paper products, but until then our shelves are stocked with rolls upon rolls of soft wood pulp, each one promising to clean up the messes in our lives. We try to use rags, but sometimes coffee only responds to paper towels, not sure the scientific reason for that but it's only a matter of time before Gwenyth Paltrow markets a coffee tampon as an organic menstrual treatment developed by Aztec royalty. 

Think Dexter takes his chances on off-brand garbage bags and paper towels? I think not!

Think Dexter takes his chances on off-brand garbage bags and paper towels? I think not!

Back to my annoyance of cheap paper towels, here's what I don't get: Why would you spend $2 on bargain rolls when you need to use three times as much as the $5 roll for the same job?  You spend more money overall for a product when its price tag exceeds its abilities. It's as if a group of marketers (duh) discuss the greatest profit line between two points: how cheaply can this be made before the consumer reaches their bullshit threshold? This then becomes the fine line between keeping the shareholders happy while keeping the consumer manipulated. Just my two cents' today!

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